DISTURBING THINGS YOUR MOTHER HAS SAID TO YOU

1. If you don't stop it, I'll take you go market and sell!
2. Your friends are wrong! There's absolutely nothing wrong with breastfeeding you till you're sixteen.
3. Ah Boy ah, can you help me put on my bra?
4. I know what you're actually doing when you lock your room door.
5. What's wrong with taking me to the prom as your date?
6. Ah Boy ah, next time you want to put on my bra, ask me first, can?
7. Can you study harder, not? I don?t want to have to do what I just did with your maths teacher again, okay!
8. If you don't keep quiet, I?ll send you to join your father at the bottom of the Singapore River!
9. How do I look in this thong?
10. Actually? what?s your name, ah?

What could be worse than having an ang mor ah lian(Brittney Spears) as your mother?

1. Having Michael Jackson as your babysitter.
2. Having Paris Hilton as your daughter.
3. Having George W Bush as your president.
4. Having Moses Lim as your diet coach.
5. Having TT Durai as your plumbing purchaser.
6. Having Austin Powers as your dentist.
7. Having Donald Trump as your hairdresser.
8. Having Britney Spears as your father.
9) Having Merlion as your fish

In-house astrologer Confuseus hands out his horoscopes for this Chinese New Year.

SNAKE: If you're really into bags and shoes, congrats! This year you'll be made into them.
SHEEP: Can you tell your kid to stop following Mary around? It's creepy! Wait she get restraining order on him, then you know!
MONKEY: Remember the saying, " Pay peanuts, get monkeys?? " Well, aren't you lucky to be living in Singapore where peanuts are worth a lot! Just don't spend them on golden plumbing equipment.
ROOSTER: You may be a rooster, but that's no reason to feel cocky. It's a dirty habit and you might go blind if you continue.
RAT: This year, all rats will ponder the ultimate rodent question: how come Mickey Mouse never takes off his gloves? Hmmm!

MALU THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN WHEN YOU USE YOUR LIGHTSABRE

1. You keep making that crackling electrical noise with your mouth every time you clash it with your enemy's lightsabre , even though the sound happens naturally. Now the whole Jedi council thinks you're damn suah koo.
2. Your mother accidentally uses it as a pole to hang the laundry.
3. That irritating Harry Potter boy next door keeps shouting " Lumos! " whenever he borrows your lightsabre and turns it on, even though you keep telling him no need.
4. Because you went over to the Dark Side, your lightsabre is supposed to be red in colour. But then you suay-suay forgot to replace the batteries, and then it turned pink, and now the storm troopers call you ' Darth Sissy ' behind your back.
5. You use it to cut open your durian, expecting the lightsabre to slice through its thorny hide like it did Luke Skywalker's hand. But skarly, the whole durian disappears the moment the lightsabre touches it, like Obi-Wan did in Episode 4. So you go to Best Denki and ask for a refund.
6. Your fellow Jedis discover that you've been decorating your lightsabre with Hello Kitty stickers.
7. You go into the Jedi locker room, and panic when you discover that your lightsabre is actually much shorter than the other Jedis?
8. You turn it on while holding it backwards.

What I Told My Hairdresser, and What She Heard

What I Said: "Can you make the top not so thick? "
What She Heard: "Can you give me a haircut like a clown?"
What I Said: " I'm thinking of trying a more glamourous hairstyle? can you style me to make me look like a movie star? "
What She Heard: " Chewbacca, can? "

What I Said: " I want something easy to manage. "
What She Heard: " One botak special coming right up. "
What I Said: " I want layers. "
What She Heard: " I want a hairstyle that looks like what you'd get if you merged all the characters in Dragonball GT. "

What I Said: " Just give me a regular crewcut. "
What She Heard: " What I want you to do is put a bowl on my head and cut around it. "
What I Said: " Just a trim. "
What She Heard: " You know those Franciscan monks, the ones who are botak on top but got hair all around? I want exactly like that. "

What I Said: " I want bangs. "
What She Heard: " I want you to make me look like someone set off dynamite on top of my head. "
What I Said: " Can you give me a bob? "
What She Heard: " Boob? She wants her head to look like a breast? Whatever you want, you're the customer. "

What I Said: " I want my hair to look like Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives. "
What She Heard: " I donno who you're talking about, but housewife? housewife? I think if I make you look like my Auntie Gek Neo who lives in Bukit Gorblok St 13, same-same can oreddy. "

What I Said: "I just want a good ol? fashioned cut."
What She Heard: "Gimme the Tony Tan special. "
What I Said: " Wah lau! You made me look like a bleddy mushroom! "
What She Heard: " You're wonderful. Please, don't be afraid to charge me high-high. "